about me, i am a mission dentist, in my opinion, this is life

Age Is Just A Number

And my number is 38.

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Cringe, I know… so close to 40.

Today I woke up to messages from my high school friends and the line being thrown repeatedly was, “Shit, malapit na tyo maging 40!” (Shit we’re almost 40). Where did time go, right? Can’t I just be in my 30s forever? I want to say that age doesn’t matter, but to be honest, I’ve started to feel the weight of my age on my shoulders. It is clear that even though my mind is clinging on to youthfulness, my body is transitioning to what it is slowly becoming–OLD(er).

When I was younger, I would wait excitedly for my birthday because it’s so fun to gain a year. I felt thoroughly accomplished and sophisticated with the maturity and that was the case until I turned 18. After that, I dreaded it every year. When I was closing in to my thirties, I got so obsessed with numbers–and making something out of myself. I don’t know why, but that’s how everyone was, so I guess I was just going with the flow. By 30 you want to be able to show the world that you’ve come so far. And so I plotted all kinds of goals for myself.

I wanted to be married by 30. I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to be rich. I had so many plans and dreams for my life… because I thought that will bring my life meaning.

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So what now? I am not “married”, not a mother, and not rich.

Eventually I realized the truth in the statement, “Age is just a number”. Because at the end of the day, all the hurrying and scurrying to meet deadlines did not do me good. The meaning you seek in life does not follow a world standard. The meaning you seek, comes from somewhere else.

Today I am thirty-eight (38) and soon enough I will enter my 40s. I don’t really have anything to show to the world, but I just want to be grateful for the chance to still try. And I guess what I can promise is that I will keep trying, until I am unable to. The other day I was talking to my DGroup about my life in the field and my DGroup leader asked me, “How long do you think can you do this for?” And I paused. I realized I’ve never really thought about that. “Until I can?” Until my hands permit me to do so?” And I knew that it is clear in my heart, that until God says, GO… I will go.

 

Age and My Hands

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve stopped (or maybe just taken a quick break from) coloring. I have set it aside because there are some instances, when I am performing a root canal, that I feel my hands getting really tired. That makes me worry so much because my survival is dependent on the ability of my hands to perform. And although I don’t want to say it out loud I usually wonder about it. What if one day I can’t move my hands anymore?

In 2010 a 72-year old OB successfully and skillfully performed Myomectomy on me. How about me? Will my hands be reliable in the clinic and the field, even when I become a septuagenarian?

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Age is just a number, but we are fearful of the number because we feel that it comes with so many limits. I see this in my aging grandma who insists she is still completely capable, and I see it in myself when I try to “defy gravity”. Age is just a number but of course this number will come with changes that will vary from one person to another. Just the other day my youngest sister was crying of debilitating menstrual cramps and she said, “Ganito ba talaga kapag tumatanda ka na?” Is this really how it is when you get older? We merely laughed at her, in agreement.

Age is just a number and this number comes with a lot of changes. My number is 38–and soon it will greater than that. But who cares?

 

“Old age may have its limitations and challenges, but in spite of them, our latter years can be some of the most rewarding and fulfilling of our lives”.

Billy Graham

 

Ultimately, I think, what matters is not how old you are or how far you’ve come. What matters is, you’re still here and you’re still trying.

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i am a christian, in my opinion, love and relationships, stories of friends, this is life

The Haunting of Hill House and the “Poppy” in Our Heads

Spoiler Alert: Please be warned. This is heavy on spoiler details, so stop now. But really, go on. This is not a series review—it’s more of a reflection paper, so carry on. Haha. Are you confused now?

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“No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream. Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more. Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.”

-Shirley Jackson, The Haunting of Hill House

Continue reading “The Haunting of Hill House and the “Poppy” in Our Heads”

about me, i am a christian, in my opinion, this is life

Stop. Look. Listen.

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”

James 1: 19-20

My family call me hysterical. I remember my Papa scolding me for always raising my voice and throwing a tantrum in the middle of an argument.

Continue reading “Stop. Look. Listen.”

about me, in my opinion, my travels

The Death Curve

I was on a leisurely motorcycle ride around Negros Occidental when I saw this along the stretch of sugar cane plantations. I saw it from a far, laughed at it, and decided I needed to go back around so I could take a photo of it.

Continue reading “The Death Curve”

about me, i am a christian, i am a dentist, i am a mission dentist, this is life

Writing Your God Story

In the Bible, Genesis opens with a hopeful “In the beginning” and it ends in Revelation, with a fulfilling “Amen”. The start and finish of most things is definitive. Our lives are the same, because it starts and ends, but in the middle… that is where you make a difference.

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This chair, inanimate, is now a part of my God story.

Continue reading “Writing Your God Story”

about me, i am a christian, in my opinion, this is life

Oh, To Be Young And Carefree

And just like that, I’m 36…

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Not that I feel old because I don’t. Yes, I feel old(er) and that’s different. I feel like wine–and I’ve aged to some level of perfection, but not quite yet. If you know what I mean. And I think that’s what matters, that we age with grace. That we age, somehow? That we can look back from where we’ve been and say… “Good thing I’m not there anymore”.

Continue reading “Oh, To Be Young And Carefree”

about me, daily prompt, i am a writer, my poetry, this is life

The Words I Write

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I write because while my voice is loud enough I know that the volume does not give me the strength to tell the truth.  My pen is more powerful than my tongue and sharper than my teeth, so it can bite and give necessary pain when in reality I cant even hurt a fly

I write because my head often spins with a cocktail of words that dont make sense unless I translate it onto paper. In dreams over clouds I’m often too drunk in the deluge of emotions that cascade in my heart in poetic phrases that pile up and it suffocates me…

I write because in this battle I am a soldier and I’d die if I wont fight with the ammo I know.

I write because otherwise Ill choke in my own words for the overload is heavy and the baggage is infected.

I write because… why not?

I write because… what else?

I write because… otherwise no one will understand

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